How to Procrastinate

Sorry about not posting; I’ve been on a procrastinating spree. Just about the time I thought “I should really post on this blog . . . nah, too difficult”, I came across this gem.

It’s a wikiHow (basically the “how-to” Wikipedia, but less complicated) article on how to procrastinate. Frankly, I don’t think many people need to know how to do this. It’s a well-written article, and I myself regularly contribute to wikiHow, but I still found it rather hilarious.

“Procrastination – the art of placing tremendous importance on sometimes useless, sometimes mundane, or sometimes much more interesting actions, in order to avoid doing allegedly required tasks.”

 

Dogs in Restaurants?

“Sir, you cannot take your dog in here.”

“No dogs allowed.”

“Ma’am, please take your dog outside.”

It’s an inconvenience for dog owners, but a generally accepted law: no dogs allowed in restaurants. Funnily enough, the FDA, or Federal Food and Drug Administration, has no hard-and-fast law on this – instead, it’s a recommendation. The real laws happen at a state level; if state X wants dogs to be allowed in restaurants but state Y doesn’t, they can both make their own laws. Most states have chosen to go the Y route, though some limit this to only restrict taking dogs into the actual building, allowing dog owners to take their dogs with them when dining outside.

Tempting as protesting these laws are for many dog owners, they’re there for good reasons: Dogs can cause health hazards with their excrement and slobber, and to those with allergies. And many people dislike the idea of bringing dogs into restaurants, especially people allergic to or afraid of dogs, and anyone who just doesn’t like “man’s best friend.” It’s a puzzling idea, but at least for now, I’m fine with keeping my dog on the porch or at home.

Bucket List

The idea of a bucket list intrigues me. I like having goals, so I decided I’d try out making one, following the advice of the link. Here’s a few from my list:

1. Write a book.
2. Get a good haircut.
3. Rehabilitate a dog.
4. Bake a cake.
5. Meet an Olympic dressage rider.
6. Compete in AKC Obedience and/or Agility.
7. Tame M&K. [M&K stands for Mango and Kiwi, my two Lovebirds]

Not much of any significance in there. But then again, I haven’t gotten far in my life, and besides – we mustn’t forget that it’s all, after all, quite ridiculous.

Near Miss?

What is the reason behind this fascination with near misses? Ex., “Wow, Barney, that was a near miss!” How is missing a bullet/astray tennis ball/anything by a large margin less impressive than missing it by a comparably unimpressive “near miss”? There are only three explanations: 1) a “near miss” is likely to happen if the thing is moving towards you faster or from a nearer area, and hence it is more impressive because missing the faster/nearer object is more difficult than the opposite; 2) people are merely fascinated by just-barely misses because of the more apparent disaster factor; 3) we watch too much James Bond movies and/or are insane.

Gosh, that was a near miss,

– Z

Choosing a Hairstyle

Today, ladies and gentleman, I am faced with the impossible. I have taken the improbable and attempted to mold it into the usable; I have undertaken a quest of such enormity that it cannot possibly be heralded by any but the bravest, the strongest, the cleverest, and those with a lot of time on their hands.

Yeah, I need a haircut. And that means choosing a hairstyle, because my current one makes me look like a mixture of Donald Duck and that griping green guy on Sesame Street. (Notice the alliteration.) I use Google, so naturally I’ve been meandering through pictures of ladies who forgot half of their clothes and haircuts that only look good on scary-skinny models.

Sheesh, people, why can’t you just have a cute, simple little cut? If Google Search gives me another picture of a girl with hair longer than my arm (in a search for “short haircuts”) . . . *sigh*

Wish me luck,

Donald Duck / Oscar the Grouch

The Goldfish Theory

Picture found at BEIZ Graphics (www.beiz.jp)

Before I chose parrots and adopted my two Lovebirds, I was busy trying to decide which pet I wanted. For a brief period of time, I considered choosing a goldfish. Now, my idea of a goldfish is probably just like almost everyone else’s: put it in a cute little goldfish bowl, feed it fish food, and enjoy. However, with research, I discovered that the classic “goldfish bowl” is completely inappropriate, that they have a relatively high level of intelligence (make three seconds of memory three months), and need their tank cleaned (with utmost care, as goldfish can die of anything from touching them to not keeping enough of the original water) frequently due to the large amount of fecal matter they create. In short, keeping a goldfish means spending a moderate sum on the tank, and they (to me) require quite too much maintenance for what they actually offer.

Once I learned this, I became exasperated. Couldn’t anything be simple, for once? But it dawned upon me that I, vegetarian animal-lover, was acting as if entrusting the life of an intelligent, living animal was supposed to be simple. Thus I devised the Goldfish Theory, something no doubt every other person sees as obvious: we – not just children, but everyone – have created the complete impression that a pet is an object. Something that is obviously as far from the truth as possible, but all the same believed.

Perhaps it’s wrong, but I still like the Goldfish Theory. In any case, it’s time for me to clean the Lovebirds’ cage.

Indeed, ‘Tis True

Old books are a favorite of mine, mostly because of the style and grace of old English. Modern English has much more of a slang style to it; it’s certainly much easier to use, but old English is more charming, and as a kind of beauty to it in its formality. At the very least, it’s interesting to imagine speaking in the now-alien manner that was once commonplace.

Good-b’wy,

Z